Funny Quotes
Funny Movie Quotes & Funny Life Quotes
Life is full of funny quotes. You hear them every day, in any situation, from all sorts of people. Funny quotes are just humorous observations about life in general. You might hear a funny quote from a friend or you could be hanging out watching television and hear a funny movie quote. After all, everyone needs to be able to laugh, especially at life. Here is a list of several funny life quotes to give you a chuckle and, just maybe, to help you see the world in a more humorous light.
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." ~ Bob
Hope
"A lot of fellows these days have a B.A., M.D., or a Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B." ~ Fats Domino
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby." ~ Natalie Wood
"In my house, I am the boss. My wife is the decision maker." ~ Woody Allen
"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." ~ Albert Einstein
"I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?" ~ Robert De Niro in Meet the Parents
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." ~ Dean Martin
"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of Spam." ~ Johnny Carson
"Some people ask the secret to our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays." ~ Henry Youngman
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Ninety percent of the game is half mental." ~ Jim Wohford
"I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife." ~ Author Unknown
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
~ Yogi Berra
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" ~ Yogi Berra
"I am not a real movie star. I’ve still go the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago." ~ Will Rogers
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." ~ Bill Cosby
"Life is like a B-movie script. It is that corny. If I had my life story offered to me to film, I’d turn it down." ~ Kirk Douglas.
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." ~ Albert Einstein
"Why should people pay to go out and see bad movies when they can stay home and see bad television for free?" ~ Samuel Goldwyn
"Don’t tell my mother I’m in politics. She thinks I play the piano in a whorehouse." ~ Author Unknown
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." ~ Qscar Wilde
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." ~ Groucho Marx
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic." ~ Author Unknown
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." ~ Alfred Hitchcock
"Hard work never killed anyone but why take a chance?" ~ Edgar Bergen
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." ~ Josh Billings
"There is no reason to become alarmed and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of the flight. By the way, is there anyone who knows how to fly a plane?" ~ from the movie Airplane
"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat." ~ Erma Bombeck
"I am so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have." ~ Dudley Moore from the movie Arthur
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." ~ George Bernard Shaw
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem. It is generally only employed by small children and large nations." ~ David Friedman
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running." ~ Groucho Marx
"I don’t know what to say so I’ll just say what’s in my heart…badoom, badoom, badoom." ~ Mel Brooks
"I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I am the President of the United States and I am not going to eat any more broccoli." ~ George Bush
"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life." ~ Tommy Lasorda
"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live." ~ Bob Hope
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I am halfway through my fish burger and I realize, I could be eating a slow learner." ~ Lyndon B. Johnson
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." ~ Mel Brooks
"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers". ~ H. L. Mencken
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." ~ Steven Wright
"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look." From the movie Crimes and Misdemeanors
"Love is the answer. But while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." ~ Woody Allen
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." ~ Yogi Berra
"Personally, I don’t think there is intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different than this one?" ~Bob Monkhouse
"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper."
~ Mark Twain
"If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything." ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you." ~ Satchel Paige
"Lawyers should not marry other lawyers. This is called inbreeding from which comes idiot children and other lawyers." ~ David Wayne
"I am just trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." ~ Author Unknown
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse." ~ Groucho Marx
"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height." ~ Casey Stengel
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning." ~ Rich Cook
"I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend." ~ Emo Plillips
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
~ Charles M. Schulz
"The trouble with the rat race is even if you win you are still a rat." ~ Lily Tomlin
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the Americas Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’." ~ Chris Rock
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." ~ Bill Cosby
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." ~ Hedy Lamarr
"A man does not know what happiness is until he is married. By then it is too late." ~ Frank Sinatra
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." ~ Groucho Marx
"As I get older, I just prefer to knit." ~ Tracey Ullman
"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter." ~ Author Unknown
"Marital freedom is the liberty that allows a man to do exactly as his wife pleases." ~ Author Unknown
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." ~ Phyllis Diller
"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility." ~ Author Unknown
"It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. Now I am afraid to go to the bathroom." ~ Rodney Dangerfield
These funny quotes are just a few from a limitless collection written by authors and celebrities throughout the years. Most of the funny life quotes listed above provide a humorous insight to some of life’s questions. If you want to find an answer to a question, you can always sit down and watch a movie to find new funny movie quotes. No matter how hard life may get, you will always be able to find funny life quotes to help cheer up your day.