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Quotes From The Office
Here are some of our favorite quotes from The Office.
Michael Scott Quotes
Michael Scott: [at the Dundie awards] This year’s “Busiest Beaver” award goes to Phyllis Lapin!
Phyllis: This says “Bushiest Beaver!”
Michael Scott: I told them “Busiest”…idiots.
Michael Scott: I was on a hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight…
Dwight Schrute: Really? We don’t have any girls in HR.
Michael Scott: You know for the sake of the story…and things were getting hot and heavy…
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: And I was about to take her bra off…
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: And she made me fill out six hours worth of paperwork.
Dwight Schrute: Like an AIDS test?
Michael Scott: No. God, Dwight…
Michael Scott: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here [the office], we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim Halpert: Does that include “That’s what she said?”
Michael Scott: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow. That is really hard. [Michael almost says it] You really think you can go all day long? [Michael nearly bursts trying not to say it] Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael Scott: That’s what she said!
Michael Scott: An employee will go home and ask his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” “No man. I mean I slave all day and no one notices.” Next thing you know, he smells something funny from his neighbor’s house. Neighbor hanged himself due to lack of recognition.
Michael Scott: The kids don’t wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandma read to you!
Sasha: What’s a Nazi?
Michael Scott: ‘What’s a Nazi?’?
Dwight Schrute: Nazi was a fascist movement from the 1930′s–
Michael Scott: No no no! Don’t talk about Nazis in front of– You know what? They’re gonna have nightmares so why don’t you just shut it?
Dwight Schrute: I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.
Michael Scott: [sighs] Why don’t you just leave? Okay?
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Jake: Bye Mr. Poop.
Michael Scott: Alright. There goes Mr. Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?
Michael Scott: I need to know who else is gay. I don’t want to offend anyone else.
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I’m sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
Michael Scott: I call everybody faggy. Why would anyone find that offensive?
Toby Flenderson: I think Oscar would like it if you just used “lame” or something.
Michael Scott: But that’s what faggy means!
Michael Scott: When I was in training many years ago, not so long ago. I worked side by side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed we convinced them that they were crazy. Another time Packer held this guy’s head in the toilet for like a minute. The guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn’t hired. Once as a joke Packer banged every chic in the office. D’it’s hysterical.
Michael Scott: Todd Packer and I are total B.F.F.s, Best Friends Forever. We came up together in sales, one time we went to a bar and met these set of twins. And Packer said that we were brothers, one thing lead to another, and we took them to our hotel room…and Packer did BOTH of them!…It was awesome!
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.
Michael Scott: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard “women and children first”. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
Michael Scott: When I was Ryan’s age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me – or Ryan would ever teach me.
Michael Scott: Pam, I hate to break this to you, but Dwight can’t stop you from being mugged. He’s just not tough enough.
Pam: He’s a purple belt, that’s really high.
Michael Scott: Oh God, I could beat up Dwight, that’s ridiculous. I can murder him.
Michael Scott: (On the phone with Jan.) I don’t understand…you want to see other people? Only other people?
Michael Scott: Here’s the thing. Chili’s is the new golf course. It’s where business happens. Small Business Man Magazine.
Jan: [incredulously] It said that.
Michael Scott: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Michael Scott: But then she goes on to say “That will be our only topic of discussion.” That doesn’t mean anything. Those are just words…
Pam: I have one idea of what it means.
Michael Scott: OK, yeah, what, what?
Pam: Well, I don’t think you’re going to be very happy with this.
Michael Scott: Oh, great. Alright, well, now I’m in a terrible mood. Let’s do your performance review.
Pam: (quickly) Because she’s conflicted. She has to be professional but she’s fighting feelings for you.
Michael Scott: [sighs] Why– that’s great news. That– that– Why would– why would I not like that?
Pam: Um, just ’cause that you work together and it might be awkward.
Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael Scott: Really?
Stanley: Oh yes. Let’s listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael Scott: God. Stanley, that’s frickin brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I’m sorry…
Stanley: Oh, it’s OK. I did learn it on the streets. In the ghetto in fact.
Michael Scott: No kidding?
Stanley: [separate scene] This year it’s all about my bonus.
Michael Scott: Attention please. Jan Levinson’s coming very soon and so we’re going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting. So you can get in your constructive compliments ASAP.
Ryan Howard: Don’t you mean “constructive criticism?”
Michael Scott: What did I say?
Kelly: You said “constructive compliments.” That doesn’t make any sense.
Michael Scott: Well Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. K?
Michael Scott: Hold on. [to Pam on speakerphone] Yes Pam?
Pam: Michael, it’s time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael Scott: I’m kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn’t interrupt.
Pam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael Scott: I did not– not– not use those words.
Jan: I’d like to sit in on that meeting. [to Pam] Is it happening right now?
Michael Scott: No, it’s in like, ten minutes.
Pam: Everyone’s waiting in the conference room.
Jan: Great. Very good.
Improv Classmate 1: I’m looking for my doctor. He’s a tiny midget.
Michael Scott: BOOM! Agent Michael Scorn, I see through your ruse! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! ["shoots" people in improv scene]
Improv Classmate 2: I’m not even in this scene!
Michael Scott: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! [classmate falls anyway]
Improv Instructor: Michael, c’mon, what are you doing?
Michael Scott: I’m making the scene better! The old scene was boring.
Improv Instructor: No it wasn’t Michael. Michael, give me your guns.
[Michael "unstraps" guns from four holsters]
[In front of Michael's computer]
Michael Scott: Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but you guys have these things so password protected…
IT Guy: That just means you have to enter your password. What’s your password Michael?
Michael Scott: Um…
IT Guy: [sees yellow post-it note on Michael's monitor] Oh…it’s ’1234′.
Michael Scott: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed. And I am not going to tell them that I will be reading their emails.
Michael Scott: [on his approach to improv] Think about this, what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or in real-life? Somebody has a gun. That’s why I always start with a gun, because you can’t top it. You just can’t.
Michael Scott: Stupid corporate! Wet blankets…it’s not like booze ever killed anyone.
Michael Scott: You’re the expert, is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Store Clerk: 15 bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
Michael Scott: What is with the guy jumping overboard? If he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now, and not all wet.
Michael Scott: The rules of Shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to say “Shotgun” when you’re in sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game is played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.
Michael Scott: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton… mostly at work, but the fact that he told me his secret and no one else says everything about our friendship. And that is why I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.
Michael Scott: Ed Truck, yuck, Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, oh Ed Truck is walking toward us, stop having fun. Start pretending to do work. What a jerk. He’s… you know what… I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager people would laugh when they saw me coming, and would applaud as I walked away.
Michael Scott: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don’t know. Could be done out of hate. Could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady, and well she doesn’t do a very good job obviously because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her. You know what, I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism, against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.
Michael Scott: This was no act of God, a person did this, a person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.
Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I’m talking about.
Stanley: That’s not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well I hated it, alot! Ok… I… you know what… if the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment we’d be done.
(everybody looks around at each other)
Michael Scott: Very well, then you’re all punished.
Pam: What’s our punishment?
Michael Scott: You’re all on a time out, just sit there quietly.
(Phylis’s phone rings. She prepares to answer it.)
Michael Scott: No! No.
Michael Scott: You can love a boss like you love a father.
(Michael sitting at Jim’s desk, phone rings)
Michael Scott: Yes
Caller: Hello, yes, I’m looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Caller: Your mom, you gay nerd.
Michael Scott: Oh my God, Packer. Packster. Wacky Pack, how you doing?
Packer: Hey listen did you get that package I left for you?
Michael Scott: Uhhh, no… did anybody see a package here today? No, how big was it?
Packer: It was pretty big.
Michael Scott: Really?
Packer: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Packer: I left it in the middle of your office.
Michael Scott: Really? Did you guys see a big package in the middle of my office?
Roy: You mean the thing?
Packer: hahahahahahahhahahahah
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me?! Hoho, that was Packer! Oh you are dead! You are, you are dead my friend! That is hilar-oh God, of course it was you! Oh-o-o, Yeah! Yeah! It was Packer!
Michael Scott: Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. Nah. On steroids.
Michael Scott: Pam, I’m public speaking, so please stop public interrupting me.
Michael Scott: I’m very sorry, I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid. I thought you were just speaking abnormally.
Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. [types something] ‘Little Kid Lover’. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Michael Scott: I’m like Superman and the people who work here are like the citizens of Gotham City.
Jim and Dwight Schrute: That’s Batman.
Michael Scott: Okay, fine, I’ll be Aquaman. Where does he live?
Jim Halpert: The ocean.
Michael Scott: I work with a bunch of nerds!
Michael Scott: Hey Pam? All that stuff with Kevin…pretty scary. I’m thinking that, uh, next time you’re in the shower, you should check yourself out, you know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking timebags.
Kevin Malone: (after getting the results of his skin cancer test) It’s negative!
Michael Scott: God…we’re gonna beat this, OK? C’mere…(hugs Kevin)
[Later]
Michael Scott: Well apparently in the medicine community, negative means ‘good.’ Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.
Jim Halpert: Wow!
Michael Scott: Hey Hey!
Jim Halpert: That is a lot of liquor.
Michael Scott: Yeah!
Jim Halpert: And a dart board.
Michael Scott: Well that’s how we do it in Scranton, or did you forget? [rapping] Ain’t no party like a Scranton party, ‘cuz a Scranton party don’t stop. Huh huh huh!
Michael Scott: I love inside jokes. I’d like to be a part of one some day.
Michael Scott: ‘Hug it out, bitch.’ That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out, in doing so they just let it go, and walk away, and they’re done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I’ve found. Doesn’t translate.
Michael Scott: Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
Michael Scott: [While eating a pretzel] It tastes so good in my mouth.
Stanley: That’s what she said. [He and Michael laugh]
Michael Scott: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have. That’s the Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that’s what they call it!
Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela: You know, I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael Scott: Well, I find it beautiful.
Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine, but we shouldn’t all be subjected to it.
Toby: Actually, she’s right. This is inapporpriate. Why don’t I take these.
Michael Scott: No, you’re not going to collect them-
Toby: Yeah…
Michael Scott: No! This is delightful, charming culture.
Michael Scott: Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million. And that’s true, but it’s also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.
Jan: I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
Michael Scott: I don’t understand.
Jan: The board voted last night to close your branch.
Michael Scott: On whom’s authority?
Jan: The boards.
Michael Scott: It is an outrage, that’s all. They’re making a huge, huge mistake. Let’s see Josh replace these people. Let’s see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don’t. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. [long pause] Show me that farm.
Michael Scott: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for…polluting a black guy’s lake.
Michael Scott: [to Ryan during a "scared straight" seminar] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball.
Michael Scott: Tonight we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder-Mifflin warehouse inventory, so party-planning committee, get on it.
Angela: By the end of the day? That’s impossible.
Michael Scott: The Jamaicans don’t have a word for “impossible.”
Jim Halpert: Yep, it’s English, it’s “impossible.”
Michael Scott: Inventory is boring. In the islands they don’t make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do think so many businesses moved to the Caymans?
Michael Scott: You know what the best medicine is?
Kevin Malone: The doctor said a combination of Interferon and Dacarbazine.
Michael Scott: And laughter.
Dwight Schrute Quotes – Quotes From The Office
Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Dwight Schrute: Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me, although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one…and that’s out under the porch.
Dwight Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm…sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Dwight Schrute: A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight Schrute: I’m a Sith lord!!
Michael Scott: Look, Dwight here is a wuss. When we rented “Armageddon”, he cried at the end of it!
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I told you! It was because it was New Year’s Eve and it started to snow at exactly midnight!
Michael Scott: [As Dwight crying] “Oh, are they really gonna leave Bruce Willis on the asteroid? Boo-hoo!”
Dwight Schrute: [indicating his purple belt] This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.
Kelly: [practicing a karate move Dwight taught her] HI YAH! Hey that was pretty close!
Dwight Schrute: Good, now let me take you from behind.
Kelly: WHAT?!
Dwight Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
Dwight Schrute: Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of “Oklahoma!” in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that. I was good.
Dwight Schrute: [sitting on a giant rubber ball] You should get one of these.
Jim Halpert: No, thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb, and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim Halpert: Done.
Dwight Schrute: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [bumps picture on Jim's desk] Sorry.
Jim Halpert: It’s all right.
Dwight Schrute: Numerous health benefits: strengthens your back, better performance at sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim Halpert: You’re not having sex.
Dwight Schrute: [smirks] Plus, improves your reflexes. [knocks over knick-knack on Jim's desk] See, I would have caught that.
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what, how much is that?
Dwight Schrute: It’s only 25 bucks.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Um, okay. [pops orb with a pair of scissors, causing Dwight to crash to the ground]
Dwight Schrute: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone’s psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections…there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory…
Dwight Schrute: Chu chu chu chu.
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Vietnam sounds.
Dwight Schrute: Merideth, men’s room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes, they are worn down.
Kevin, file drawers… Angela kitchen, Oscar dusting. Where’s Oscar?
Angela: He’s out sick.
Dwight Schrute: That’s unacceptable.
Angela: I agree, it’s unacceptable.
(Dwight and Angela stare at each other)
Kevin: What are you guys doing?
Dwight Schrute: As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out.. she was. With a couple of guys, actually… so. Mystery solved.
Dwight Schrute: Oh man! You are so busted! Ice skates… shopping bags… I think I know what’s going on here. You weren’t sick at all!
Dwight Schrute: There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying…
The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.
Michael Scott: It’s graaaaaaaaaaapppppe, soda!
Jim Halpert: Tony the Tiger.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: You don’t hear that much anymore.
Michael Scott: Not so much.
Dwight Schrute: What is going on here?
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, really, nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.
Michael Scott: Fact: I love grape soda, I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, so what is the secret Michael?
Michael Scott: Well I ah…
Jim Halpert: Umm, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material. (sticks pink post-it note on Dwight)
Dwight to Michael Scott: Is that true?
Michael Scott: Umm, I – I don’t know… yeah, yeah… it is.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you Michael. I know you’re telling the truth.
Michael Scott: Ok
Dwight Schrute: I can tell, I won’t let you down.
[Dwight and company are decending into the warehouse for a 'mens-day']
Dwight Schrute: Remember on Lost when they meet “the Others”?
Dwight Schrute: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
Dwight’s Speech: BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY! [pause] Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation – which everyone finds during the day – how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we’ve been at war – the war of work – but from the moment as a child, when we realize the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle [bangs fists again] a never-ending fight, I say to you [bangs again] and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight. WE ARE WARRIORS! [applause] Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour. [even bigger applause as Dwight gives a horrible sounding laugh] No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers, and door to door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesman – and women – of the world… unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together… TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL. WE MUST NEVER CEDE CONTROL OF THE MOTHERLAND…
Audience: …FOR IT IS TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL!
[thunderous applause]
Jim Halpert: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight Schrute: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.
Dwight Schrute: (After he didn’t tip the sub man) Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Dwight Schrute: I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.
Dwight Schrute: And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.
Jim Halpert: This came out really well. There you go.
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is “Kurt”, not “Fart.”
Jim Halpert: [squinting to read] What did I write?
Dwight Schrute: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Pam: It’s a nice tux.
Dwight Schrute: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so… family heirloom.
Dwight Schrute: Michael said, ‘We must deceive them, as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.’
Jim Halpert: Ever since I was a little kid, like eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight Schrute: I don’t believe you, continue.
Dwight Schrute: Jim told me you can buy gaydar online.
Michael Scott: That’s ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Probably. He didn’t tell the truth a lot.
Michael Scott: Let’s call him and get the website.
Dwight Schrute: Definitely.
Michael Scott: Hey, I thought you weren’t supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you’ve had a crown put it?
Dwight Schrute: …They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael Scott: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight Schrute: Yea…
Michael Scott: What’s his name?
Dwight Schrute: (long pause) Crentist.
Michael Scott: The dentist’s name is crentist?
Dwight Schrute: Yea.
Michael Scott: Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe that’s why he became a dentist?
Dwight Schrute: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan’s been bitching out on him. Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
Dwight Schrute: I will lead you into the black with ferocity!
Dwight Schrute: When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Dwight Schrute: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Pam: If you wanna do something for the funeral…
Dwight Schrute: Yes, please.
Pam: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent.
Pam: Do you have it with you?
Dwight Schrute: Always.
Dwight Schrute: I’m sorry! I grew up on a farm! We killed a pig whenever we wanted bacon! And when my grandfather died, we reburied him in an old oil drum! (pause) He would have fit if Michael had just given me another minute.
Pam: I just feel kind of tired, you know?
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you’ve got mono.
Pam: Maybe.
Dwight Schrute: Why did Robert Mifflin commit suicide?!
Ryan Howard: He had depression.
Dwight Schrute: No! He hated himself! What… is the DHARMA Initiative?!
Dwight Schrute: Will Ryan become a loser, slacker like Jim or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions?
Dwight Schrute: Michael always says “K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid.” Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.
Dwight Schrute: [interrupting Michael talking about M. Night Shamaylan] I see dead people.
Michael Scott: Okay! Spoiler alert!
Dwight Schrute: He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott: Just stop it!
Dwight Schrute: The Japanese camp guards of World War Two always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
Dwight Schrute: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.
Dwight Schrute: Pam and Karen! I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately.
Pam: You can’t do that.
Dwight Schrute: As ranking number 3 in this office, I am ordering you to-
Andy: Ummm, I’m number 3.
Dwight Schrute: You’re number 4.
Andy: Yeah, but I’m number 3.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, no. You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately. They will be returned to you on January 4th.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I think I can help here.
Dwight Schrute: Okay good, they…
Jim Halpert: As ranking number 2, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees and I am the sole member of the committee. We’ll act on this now.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this is stupid.
Jim Halpert: Can you please keep it down? I’m in session. [thinks] I’ve determined this committee is valid.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. Wait. Permission to join the Validity Committee?
Jim Halpert: [thinks about it] Permission denied.
Dwight Schrute: Dammit!
Michael Scott: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight Schrute: Who’s the target?
Michael Scott: A sensitive e-mail has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture, the filename is jamaica-jan-sun-princess.
Dwight Schrute: What’s it of?
Michael Scott: Not important.
Dwight Schrute: I’m not sure, you need to tell me everything or I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael Scott: Ok. Forget it.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I accept it.
Jim Halpert Quotes – Quotes From The Office
Michael Scott: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight Schrute: Danger.
Michael Scott: It’s something with a “K”…
Jim Halpert: It’s Kurt… wow, it’s so sad that I know that.
Dwight Schrute: Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama, after his epic battle with Ravina, the demon-king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
Michael Scott: All right, all right. This isn’t Lord of the Rings.
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that’s a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right ’cause that’s a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they’re fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
Dwight Schrute: Damnit, he put my stapler in jello again.
[Points to Michael]
Dwight Schrute:You can be a witness to this.
Jim Halpert: [eating jello] How do you know it was me?
Jim Halpert: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah!
[scoffs]
Michael Scott: Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim Halpert:You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight Schrute: What belt are they?
Jim Halpert: This came out really well. There you go.
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is “Kurt”, not “Fart.”
Jim Halpert: [squinting to read] What did I write?
[Michael reads off complaints filed by Dwight]
Michael Scott: OK, so Dwight, in your own words: “Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.”
Michael Scott: Everyone has called me “Dwayne” all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.
Jim Halpert: [to camera, laughs] Yes. Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.
Michael Scott: This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.
Michael Scott: Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women’s room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.
Michael Scott: This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put- uh, more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then I just took them all out.
Michael Scott: Every time I typed my name, it said “Diapers”.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don’t sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael Scott: By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom, and that’s how I spent the entire day that day.
Jim Halpert: I’m just saying you can’t be sure that it wasn’t you.
Dwight Schrute: That’s ridiculous. Of course it wasn’t me.
Jim Halpert: [holds up picture] Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don’t remember.
Dwight Schrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Schrute: That’s not how it works!
Jim Halpert: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight Schrute: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim Halpert: No, you said that I’d be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. [raising voice] NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?
Jim Halpert: They might not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years… and years… and… years.
Jim Halpert: Do we all have a copy of Threat Level: Midnight by Michael Scott?
Jim Halpert: Hey! Whoa! Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh God!!! Ohhh.
Jim Halpert: Ok, it’s Jim… just say again really loudly what happened.
Michael Scott: Ok, booooouuur… I burned my foot, very badly, on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.
Jim Halpert: You burned YOUR foot, on a Foreman Grill?
Michael Scott: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight Schrute: Danger.
Michael Scott: It’s something with a “K”…
Jim Halpert: It’s Kurt… wow, it’s so sad that I know that.
Michael Scott: What? What? Where’s the funny? Give it to me.
Jim Halpert: Umm, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael Scott: What’s up dog?
Jim Halpert: Nothin’ much, what’s up with you?
Michael Scott: Oh, wow! I walked right in to that one. Ahhh, that’s brilliant.
Pam Beasley Quotes – Quotes From The Office
Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
Jim Halpert: Do you think Dwight’s being a little weird today?
Pam Beasley: No, he’s actually been really nice and helpful.
Jim Halpert: And that isn’t weird?
Pam Beasley: Wow.
Michael Scott: You know what Pam, if in ten years I haven’t had a baby, and you haven’t had a baby..
Pam Beasley: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Twenty years?
Pam Beasley: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thirty.
Pam Beasley: Sure
Michael Scott: It’s a deal.
Ryan Howard Quotes – Quotes From The Office
Michael Scott: This next award goes to someone who really lights up the office, somebody who I think a lot of us cannot keep from checking out, ‘The Hottest in the Office Award’, goes to…Ryan the Temp! YEAH! Hey HO! You sexy thing! Sexy thing you! Whoo! [slaps Ryan's butt]
[Cut to Ryan]
Ryan Howard: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I don’t know what I’m going to do. That’s the least of my concerns right now.
Dwight Schrute: OK. I’m going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan Howard: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight Schrute: Don’t make me do this the hard way.
Ryan Howard: What’s the hard way?
Dwight Schrute: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, let’s do it that way.
Creed Bratton: www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts. Check it out.
[cut to Ryan]
Ryan Howard: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the Intranet, it’s…pretty shocking.
Ryan Howard (eating cheese stick)
Toby Flenderson: Wow, you just dive right in.
Ryan Howard: You know, around age 12 I just started going for it.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say “Ryan Howard is a temp”. It will say “Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate and a midrange paper supply firm”. [pause] That’ll show ‘em.
Ryan Howard: Jim’s been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it’s nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.
Ryan Howard: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
Ryan Howard: [helping clean out Michael's car] There’s a sports drink on the back seat.
Michael Scott: What flavor?
Ryan Howard: Blue.
Michael Scott: Blue isn’t a flavor.
Ryan Howard: It says: “Flavor: Blue Blast.”
Michael Scott: Ooh, Blue Blast. Give it here…
Ryan Howard: [reads Todd Packer's 'WLHUNG' license plate] You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?!
Phyllis: Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.
Kevin Malone: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: What line of work you in, Bob?
Dwight Schrute: Listen temp. I’m conducting a little investigation. So I am no longer going to be able to head up Spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?
Ryan Howard: Yeah, I think I can handle it.
Dwight Schrute: Do you think, or do you know?
Ryan Howard: I think.
Dwight Schrute: Oh God, here.
Toby Flenderson Quotes – Quotes From The Office
Dwight Schrute: What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um… I’m just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
Michael Scott: What if Pam was a lesbian?! What if she brought her partner into work, would that be crossing the line?
Toby Flenderson: No!
Michael Scott: What if they made out, in front of everybody…
Toby Flenderson: Well, that would be…
Michael Scott: …at home? And I told everybody everything about it?
Toby Flenderson: OK, I’m lost.
Michael Scott: OK, then, well let’s act it out. Pam, you will be girl “A”. And, girl “B” will be… [long pause] … OK, we’ll use the doll. [motions hand forward] Pam? Pam?
[Pam is shocked]
Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby?
Toby Flenderson: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children, since it’s uh, you know, there’s gambling and alcohol, it’s in our dangerous warehouse, it’s a schoolnight, and you know, Hooter’s is catering, and is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: [imitating Toby] Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it… not that way. I hate… so much about the things that you choose to be.
Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.
Creed Bratton Quotes – Quotes From The Office
Creed: It’s a real shame about Ed huh.
Michael Scott: Yeah. It must really have you thinkin.
Creed: About what?
Michael Scott: The older you get, the bigger the chances you’re gonna die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. Snaps right off.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very Smart.
Creed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight Schrute: You’re thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?
Dwight Schrute: He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Win-win.
Dwight Schrute: Exactly, thank you, Jim.
Phyllis: I like goose. If it’s already dead, is it so crazy if we eat it?
Creed: That’s crazy. It’s crazy.
Creed Bratton: Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.
Michael Scott: Okay, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct “old man smell?”
Creed Bratton: [voiceover] I know exactly what he’s talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.
Creed Bratton (to the kids): Ya ever seen a foot with four toes?
Michael Scott: Someone complained that the men’s room is “whites only”. Stanley, you know that’s not true.
Stanley: I didn’t say that.
Creed Bratton: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?
Creed Bratton: I’m a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women’s room for number two. I’ve been caught several times, and I have paid dearly.
Pam: Can you tell us what happened?
Phyllis: Umm, I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out… on the map.
Angela: Phyllis, you’re a married woman.
Creed Bratton: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what’s all the fuss?…If that’s flashing, then lock me up.
Creed Bratton: [greeting young men and women as they enter Poor Richard's bar] I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station.
Creed Bratton: Every week, I’m supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.
Creed Bratton (after he wins the fridge): This is the first refrigerator I’ve ever owned.
Creed Bratton: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive…like I did when I was a homeless man.
Creed Bratton: I’ve been involved in a number of cults. Both as a leader and a follower. I had more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.
Creed Bratton: [referring to Angela, to longtime co-worker Meredith] Andrea is the office bitch. You’ll get used to her. [extends hand] Creed.
Creed Bratton: I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the 60′s I made love to many, many women – often outdoors, in the mud and the rain…and it’s possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There’d be no way of knowing.
Creed Bratton: What is wrong with this woman? She’s asking about stuff that’s nobody’s business. ‘What do I do?’ What do I do, I do here. I should have written it down. ‘Qua’ something. Quaaa. Quarr. Quab. Quall. Qwer. Quobbity! Quabbity assurance!
Meredith Palmer Quotes – Quotes From The Office
Phyllis: Does it hurt terribly?
Meredith: No it’s not too bad, they have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed Bratton: Oh really. What kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percoset, Etanol, Oxicotin, Palidone.
Meredith: I have no idea.
Andy Bernard Quotes – Quotes From The Office
Dwight Schrute: Hello. I don’t believe we’ve been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of sales.
Dwight Schrute: So you’ll be reporting to me then.
Andy: On the contrary.
Dwight Schrute: My title has “manager” in it.
Andy: And I’m a director. Which on a film set, is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight Schrute: I know everything about film. I’ve seen over 240 of them.
Andy: Congratulations.
Jim Halpert: [picking up phone] Jim Halpert.
Andy Bernard: I am so horny.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I can’t help you with that.
Andy Bernard: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.
Jim Halpert: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy Bernard: Oh, and I care why?
Jim Halpert: She’s high-maintenance.
Andy Bernard: Next. How about…[sees Meredith walk by] Angela. Blondes are more fun. C’mon, trust me on that.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one.
Andy Bernard: I live to frolf.
Andy Bernard: I really Schruted it.
Jim Halpert: Quick question — do you play the guitar?
Andy Bernard: I play the banjo.
Jim Halpert: Hold on, let me think about that…yes, that’ll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?
Andy Bernard: [singing] You know I can, my man.
Andy Bernard: Oompa loompa, doompadee dawesome, Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy. No, he was not, he was a total douche. Doompadee doom.
Andy Bernard: [To Michael] I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk! Waitresses – hot! Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown.
Kevin Malone Quotes – Quotes From The Office
Kevin Malone: Abby’s my fiancée Stacey’s daughter. I think she’ll have a good time. I just hope she doesn’t look in my computer…actually, I better go check. (runs off)
Kevin Malone: I’m gonna have to delete a lot of stuff. [pause] A LOT of STUFF.
Dwight [Reading suggestions for health-care coverage: Who thought of this one? Anal fissures.
Kevin Malone: That's a real thing.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin Malone: [quietly] Someone has it.
Kevin Malone: [to Angela who is role-playing as a Jamaican] Do you wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin Malone: Do you wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin Malone: I think you do, mon.
Michael Scott: Alright, Kevin… you are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela, that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that make him feel uncomfortable.
Kevin Malone: [quickly] I accept your decision. Cameraman: Smile.
Dwight Schrute: No.
I hope you enjoyed these quotes from The Office. You can find out more about the actor who plays Jim on the office here at our new site: John Krasinski.
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